Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
