Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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