I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
She said her name was "party"
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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