Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
