i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
You need a sexual gate keeper
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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