Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
