So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Drake has all the answers
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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