My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize