you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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