just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
