you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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