Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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