i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
So squirting runs in the family.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
