I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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