I skipped work to stalk him.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize