last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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