I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
