and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
