dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
