You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
