I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
