Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize