By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
