It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
You took a bar mat shot.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
