Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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