But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
