Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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