i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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