im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
So much rum. So many feels.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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