First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
