By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
