wakey wakey hands off snakey
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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