when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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