Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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