you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize