I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Randomize
