I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Randomize
