This is not my ceiling
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Randomize
