are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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