Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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