this beer tastes like vomit already
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
