I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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