Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
