I am midnight drunk by noon
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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