Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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