I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
i just sent this text using only my big toe
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
