I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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