The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
