Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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