I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
