i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
