life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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