bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
