I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
