How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
