I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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