Do you still have your period?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
