Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
