And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
