fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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