Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
