Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
